rejection 21

Welcome to the automated rejection service for the Bastard and Sons publishing company.  For apologetic distain press 1, for ranting psychotic press 2 for ambivalent moron press 3.  If you would like to talk to an operator, forget it.  Please stay on the line if white noise soothes your imbecilic brain.

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We are trying to connect you.  Please note we are currently experiencing high call volumes and will be unable to give a shit for some time.  Thank you for waiting.

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At the tone please swear loudly and hurl your phone out the nearest window.

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All our representatives are currently busy, making origami voodoo dolls from scraps of that novel you submitted last year.  We would like to denigrate your abilities as quickly as possible, please stay on the line.

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If you have submitted something recently you may like to take advantage of our website where you will find a helpful FAQ detailing all sorts of reasons to feel hopelessly inadequate.

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At Bastard and Sons we value your time, as this is a premium rate number and we’ll be round to collect your telly later.  The rejection team are here to help you, to help us, help you, help us please ensure you are dying inside.  Thank you.

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Please note that your threats and abuse will be recorded for training purposes and the amusement of our office team.  Thank you for being a talentless fuck-wit, we apologise for any inconvenience this must cause.



3 responses to “rejection 21”

  1. Donk Azure says :

    Sir, you have excelled yourself – or was last weeks effort a sacrifice for this work of genius?

    Also, is actaully not a bad website. It’s a shame it is obviously run by these ruthless bastards.

    And yes. This is Andy Birch, apparently still in shameless plugging mode. I’m so sorry.

    I’m really, really sorry.

  2. Roy Smith says :

    many apologies to the people a … any resemblance to websites living or dead is entirely coincidental…no animals were hurt in the production of this rubbish…

  3. John Lastauskas says :

    That looks like an ok website, I’m sure they’d appreciate the unintentional advertising.

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