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Writing and running – part two (I hate self-discipline)

Resorting to poetry, I can barely breath,

having captured an hour, to move less gently.

For this one I warmed down, but feel shaky legged,

insecure heartbeat, ice-cream pain, intense.

A talk about dogs, some nearly hit cars,

colder, but brighter, and still not too hard.

Building it slowly, but too fast for me,

phone slapping comfort, keeping a beat.

A rhythm, de-synced to ventricles furred,

ripping the filth that from torpor it learnt.

Inaction made steady, can easily seduce,

that part of me wanting, to without effort produce,

all that I hope for, with no courage put in.

A teacher once told me, I lacked self-discipline,

I still hate him.

 

Writing and Running (Part One – Fat-man Jogging)

My pulse is used to a sedate 80 beats a minute, and is somewhat confused by its current pattern. The stress of pushing my limbs and breathing, further than a long flight of stairs, has awakened dormant chemistry and stretched flesh, with once muscular potential, into shambling action.  Fortunately the crisp bright morning (where there should have been snow) stimulated my skin, eyes, morning breath and maybe even a few lazy brain cells.  It helped me open my eyes a little more.

Running and writing is what it sounds like.  An amount of running followed by and amount of writing.  Best to avoid to many variables at this point.  I’m not entirely sure how far or fast I can cope with at the moment.  Last night’s pizza weighs heavy on my mind, cheese oozing though tightly packed arteries to a grumbling heart.  I tell myself this isn’t the punishing gruel of a new years resolution delayed, or a lifestyle improvement designed to keep up with the exercise fads of the masses.  I saw a tweet the other day mocking the slacker generations drift towards the ‘fitter-happier’ paradigm they swore to avoid.  I try to convince myself of something more poetic.  A battle of mind and body, straight from Hemingway’s Nietzschean desire for a more physical approach to writing.  If I want to toughen the calluses of my mind, I’d better get moving or at least stand up while I’m typing this.  Despite doubting the sincerity of my self as the ‘superman’, there is some kind of battle going on here.  Not fighting the flab as such, but perhaps proving a point or sparing with demon or two.  The best way to get me to do something, is usually to tell me its impossible, or at the least beyond my capabilities.  Sadly this has rarely worked with feats of physicality, which I have often been ready to abandon.  An image occurs of myself aged 12, helped by two happier runners to finish the 1500 metres in last place.  Painfully wheezing across the line to the jeers of my idling peers, who had long before recovered their repose.  I am not sure who pissed me off more, I expected the jeers, but the helpers confused me.  I wasn’t used to sympathy and didn’t like the smell of it.  This moment of humiliation still smarts, I told myself the problem was technique.  Others alternated between running and walking, I tried to run the whole way, thinking to do otherwise would be cheating.  Unaccustomed to the burning pain and death/life feel of hard exercise, I drained to a slow motion jog, ridiculous to see, as the walk/runners tripped past me.  I have learnt my lesson and this morning I alternated, uncertain whether my thirty-four year old body would allow me to push quite as hard as in my teens.  At least there were no jeering punks to or happy helpers.  I ran solo.

This experiment was inspired by a half-cut conversation with Mr Erwin last week, about the merits of mixing physical exercise and creative pursuits.  Having written inconsistently for many years, hoping to get something useful from the monkeys on my back, I have tried all sorts of challenges and tools to increase my output.  Some have worked to various degrees and I think I might be on the right path, but maybe running will help me travel a bit quicker.  Sometimes these attempts feel like those of 80’s TV heroes, completing arcane challenges to get home, only to find themselves foiled ad-infinitum, battling ever onwards to eventual cancellation.  Its has to be worth a try though, and if not, I hope to enjoy the episodes.

The importance of doing nothing…(dr who, pirates and staring at walls)

Was talking about Dr who today, despite the pirates, sirens and inter dimensional travel…it seemed a bit … well inconsequential. And I loved it. No world changing, universe ending, big plot moments. Just some pirates, on a boat feeling a bit unwell. I love small sets where little happens; my favorite red dwarf was marooned. I love writing short stories that hum along in a silent groove, not much happening, but the passage of time looked at from a slight angle, possibly the dusty corner round the back of a pub toilet or someone standing at a station waiting to get paid. The bits of nothing are blissful notes bouncing around the walls of sanity (sod it, I’ll indulge) but seriously…theres moments that we skip past every day without looking and not intending to go all Ferris Bueller, when you grab one of the bastards it feels damn good. You can stare at a wall for hours if it’s got the right feel. Some songs are the same, not much going on, but about everything. Not sure dr who was all that profound, but after all the cosmic urgency last week it was nice to mess around with a few pirates.

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Bank holiday drawl – Some imagachology

Sometimes I can write anything but what I am supposed to.  At the moment there are a few things I’ve got to do, but I keep getting distracted by ideas that seem far more interesting at any given time.  It’s part of the whole procrastination thing, but there is more going on.  It’s partly that of course, but maybe the need to do a specific task sparks my general creativity.  I know how bullshit that sounds – and don’t expect much on the musing inspiration thing, this is about psychology.  Alright, not quite scientifically researched theory either (I have even less time for that) but maybe some self reflective, introspection into how I work, which is what this blog is about.  I suppose that won’t always make it good reading, but my aim is more about writing and any enjoyment is purely accidental.  So there will be side tracks.  So…

In my psymaginary / imagochology, I reckon that some centre in my brain is stimulated by a pressure to create / write / do – it leads to a work ethic, but one that lacks any systematic organisations.  I love mind maps, but think that even with their non-hierachical bursts of idea are a little too neat sometimes.  An idea would look more like Mr Messy caught up on a wild rose bush.  When that need to create is triggered, at whatever point it comes, tendrils of electricity fire off in all directions, uncontrollable, powerful, and so incredibly beautiful.   Many of the sparks fade into nothing, but others germinate, grow, travel round and through some unusual places.  Some get lodged and stuck for years and others fight to get out immediately.  Chavelle got stuck and battled for quite some time and nearly shut me down (perhaps firing all that electricity is dangerous in such an inclosed spaces) even though I abandoned the project ideas still echo about and come in useful from time to time.  Maybe the side track projects, the procrastojections are the ones that really matter and it doesn’t really matter how I end up getting to them.

A list (really a list[a cheesy list {for people who like lists(I like lists)}])

  • Pursue everything
  • Be interested
  • Talk…(lots)
  • Listen (and hear)
  • Never throw away a bad idea
  • Distraction is good
  • Make notes
  • Have fun
  • See, hear and do new things
  • Don’t agree with yourself
  • Get some sleep (insomnia isn’t romantic, its a pain in the arse)
  • THINK
  • Aim high, but enjoy the low
  • Don’t stop
  • Do
  • …and don’t worry about being cheesy, bad, similar to your heroes, false, sincere, funny, foolish, serious…just don’t be dull…

Sentenced

I’ve never been that sure about grammar. It wasn’t really taught in school, not in any meaningful way. There were bits and pieces, the odd rule like don’t start a sentence with an and or always have a comma before a but. But later I challenged some of these. Perhaps, the teaching of grammar by rules was the problem, if it were taught as knitting or building a wall I might have developed better habits at an earlier age, and yet I fear it may be to late. I am growing a weed, my style of penmanship. Tweaking and changing it’s nature and hoping it pleases, makes sense and steers close enough to the legality of English rules to avoid offending those guardians who would run red pen through it.

Early on I fell for romantic visions, my teenage self obsessing over death and magic, depressive indulgence in all things dark and mysterious. My prose had flowers bigger than chrysanthemums and sentences that went on forever with little sign of punctuation or understandable structure. The love of adjectives, adverbs and all such pretties abound throughout, leaving most readers frustrated despite my mother’s continued praise. Indulging in this honey was fun for a while, but soured as time went on. The discovery of modernism. Of brevity. Clipped sentences, every word mattering. Led me down another path, one requiring the destruction of all that went before. My key discoveries were Hammett and Chandler, as previously discussed, but by way of Pound and Eliot. In a station…alongside the Wasteland at war with Shelley and Keats, so easy to dismiss, but loved of my late teens. That I read Shelley on the Darland banks, with no sense of the ridiculous, sun beating down and full of wonder, seems puzzling to my post cynical, current thirty something incarnation, but was hated in my jaded twenties self when I rejected all that went before. Sadly, the result of my rejection was not the super cool clipped prose of the PI masters. I exchanged decoration for a Neanderthal grunt. Writing short. Keeping it pithy. Usually meant staccato phrases. Interrupted rhythms leading nowhere. When I read it, I feel abbreviated. Chavelle was of this grit, plagued by machine gun descriptions; a lack of commas and my tenuous use of semi colons in some desperation to resurrect a flow into what had become fragmented words, less embarrassing than earlier, but hardly what I had hoped. These polar obsessions were destructive allies and disrupted me for ages. But I hope I’ve learnt to ignore the rules enough to flow without excess, weaving if with a splintered loom, to produce some semblance of pleasant readability. I still have to watch for bold stock phrases, check my indulgences and hope to hell my words pass okay, but no longer worry quite as much and use my faults to illustrate, where possible, whatever it is that I want to say.

A job to do…

I’ve figured out I’ve got a funny relationship with deadlines. I hate and need them. When they are approaching I get tense and panicky then flow into a zen like procrastination of cleaning the kitchen and perfecting sandwichcraft, before beating the crap out of myself to achieve whatever it is I’ve said I’ll get done. It’s not too healthy, but it’s worked pretty good so far; I have very rarely missed a deadline and recently I’ve been completist on a few personal projects like nanowrimo and fawm, I even managed to finish my 52 week rejection thing, but maybe it’s time for a silent revolution, maybe I need to break free of those self oppressive shackle, destroy my work ethic and just let it flow. Write as and when I feel like it, flunk my course and miss every funding bid I put in for. Maybe I’ll start sending applications to jobs that have already closed and booking tickets for gigs that have already played, I could see jimi on the isle of wight or vote in a few elections with full knowledge of the result and the futility of my delayed contribution. But, sadly my brain ain’t wired that way, and though I do a pretty good impression of not caring and acting relaxed, but my personal treadmill keeps me sane and without these bouts of sturm and drang, I’d have trouble getting out of bed in the morning…mind you, there’s always the other side. When all is done, or on the breaks in-between, when nothing much is going on, I get a chance to look out of my little struggles and realise how lucky I am to be alive.

Yes, no and pomo…

Last Sunday I picked up a book by Edward deBono. I was in town trying to find a farmers market that had been on the previous week and ended up browsing for books. It was called ‘Po: Beyond yes and no‘ it argues that thought can become stuck between linear patterns that are prescribed by our position in society etc, etc… leading to inevitable, stale thought. He suggests an alternative answer such questions might be ‘po’; a kind of neither nor response rather than some kind of synthetic compromise. Po (as I understand it) represents the opportunity to be creative, lateral or down right silly. It is the transparent, to what colour should I paint the house colour? The banjo quartet in the metal anthem. The grow more legs, to how can I run faster on snow. Po doesn’t have to make sense, it isn’t governed by the structures of right or wrong, success or failure; its from the 70s and I love it.

I stumbled upon Po by accident, whilst looking for something displaced by time and distracting myself for a few minutes before walking home. The product of random chance, another area of creative brilliance. Douglas Adams speculated on the ‘fundamental interconnectedness of all things’ in DGHDA far better than I could, his detective relied on this methodology and was probably my first introduction to the hard-boiled egg of noirish, PI fiction. I will write another time about the hell of unconscious plagiarism / tribute / inspiration into which I inevitably descended.

{I just saw a mother pulling her child along a train station on a three wheel scooter, a happy little suitcase, experiencing the safety of his mothers hand and the thrill of fair ground speed, surely a bit of ‘po’ in that arrangement.}

This all leaves me in a terrible, post modern mess. Discussing the post modern interview, Mats Alvesson rejects ideas of objectivity and positivistic certainties, in favour of context and relationship, trying to give the subject voice rather than worrying about any bias or partiality on part of the researcher. The interview is the product of two people meeting and talking about some stuff. It represents that meeting, between those individuals and what they said. So far so wonderful, the critics naturally question its scientific usefulness, but hey, that’s the game. Bloody science fascists, with their quests for the twin dragons of reliability and validity; I hope they find them in the forest of facts. One bit I think I understand about post modernism (a shaky claim at best) relates to an aim to sever ties between language and meaning, meaning and object. That somehow, the oppressive naming of things binds us in rigid ways of thinking that keep us in our place, nicely. That by subverting prescribed meaning and allowing for the many truths, we can escape the shackles of definition. (A recent dalliance with George Bataille’s Encyclopaedia Acephalica, by way of the ME4 writers and CitAEcephale, allowed some fun with this.) Unaware of all this nonsense, Chavelle was of this world. A non-tective, he was a PI in actions rather than job. His investigation accidental, pulling at a string and hoping to find something useful at the other end, perhaps obscuring more facts than uncovered with ‘pomo’ self indulgence.

***

A man lies dead surrounded by roses. The detective walks in and points at the butler.

‘Why him?’ Asks the bumbling representative of authority.

‘Because he’s wearing red trousers.’. Mutters the man in the dirty mac as he chews the remains of his stogie.